A Definitive Guide to Next Week on Mad Men: Episode 509

I would like to begin by apologizing for the delay in posting this week's Definitive Guide, thus allowing the present to drift ever closer to the future of the past, a phenomenon perfectly exemplified by a shot of elevator doors opening to reveal an empty shaft and a descending car slowly creating a greater distance between her, who once was a bridge to your youth and a representation of your rebirth into the modern era, and you, suddenly and shockingly removed and virtually powerless in the empire you created so casually, leaving you to wonder if she ever really loved you or if she was just another Dick Whitman, drifting along until some poor sap steps too close to a landmine and unwillingly leaves behind a sense of normalcy and comfort that always seemed out of reach.

Also, PIZZA HOUSE.

On to this week's oracle predictions for next week's historical fictions:

00:05 - Completing their fairy-tale story, Don leans in to kiss Megan gently on the lips to find that the evil curse of time has been lifted and poor Gene has turned from a helpless infant into a hoodie-wearing 3 year old in a span of just six months! 

00:08 - It's after hours, and after a long, hard day, Don walks down the hallway to discover that...wait, is that even Don? It kind of looks like a bulkier Ken Cosgrove, but he's leaving Don's office. It's hard to tell because it's all in silhouette, but also it still looks like it's light outside? Did everyone else in the office leave? Are they throwing Don a surprise party? They've already done that this year. What's going on? Why the hell would they include that shot of a shadowy figure walking down an empty hallway for two seconds? Did AMC find out that I'm writing this column and now they're just screwing with me? God damn, this show is good.


00:09 - In a surprising turn of comic relief, Betty responds to Henry's unkind remarks about her weight gain by supergluing his fanny--his FANNY--to his driver's seat and his toe to the steering wheel. Betty thinks she has the last laugh until she discovers that Super Glue is an SCDP client, and she realizes that she can never escape the specter of Don Draper.


00:11 - Megan lands a big audition for a revival of The Night of the Iguana in front of Tennessee Williams himself! After flubbing her lines for the third time and sensing that she may be blowing her chances, she tries to play up her domineering sexual politics for the acclaimed playwright. Needless to say, this fails miserably.


00:12 - Just after accepting his role as a lion in winter, sitting back to collect checks while the young guns handle the day-in-day-out work of advertising, Roger Sterling find himself pulled back in. In spite of his attempts to assert himself as a power player in the accounts game, Pete Campbell just can't give the Cool Whip people a decent handjob without crying. Roger thought that he had given that life up long ago, but when God blesses you with such finesse, it's no longer an option--it's a responsibility.


00:14 - Nobody showed up to Harry Crane's office to play charades! Not one person! Ginsberg had planned on attending, but he got caught up in a broadcast of "Dark Shadows" and couldn't figure out where Jonathan Frid got all of those fancy clothes.


00:16 - Even Don knows that Tennessee Williams is a homosexual, and he's, like, way old.


00:17 - Though he knows exactly how the night will end up, Roger still invites the Cool Whip people out for dinner before their orgiastic business consummation. Not out of love, but out of respect, dammit, because that's how he was raised to give business handjobs. This is the Roger Sterling finesse.


00:19 - Having conquered the automobile and the skis, Pete Campbell daydreams about all of the other forms of transportation that await him. Could he see himself riding one of those fancy Italian scooters to the office? Not all the way from Cos Cob, of course, but he could probably find a park and ride situation. And what about a bicycle--maybe a beach cruiser for the weekends in the suburbs. He never learned to ride a bicycle because he grew up in Manhattan, you know? The one in New York City?

Why won't she just call?


00:20 - Joan explains the concept of small talk to Ginsberg, who is probably on the autism spectrum, but as a result of the period is diagnosed with "a case of the gives-me-the-Heebs," because the doctor was in the middle of saying "heebie-jeebies" but then remembered how anti-Semitic he was.


00:22 - Pete informs his wife Trudy of that new law that just passed that said suburban wives weren't allowed in the city. Really, they just passed it! It's a real law!


00:23 - Don and Ginsberg admit that playing paintball in the office these last few days has probably been a little bit reckless, but it's done wonders for the designs on Ginsberg's sport jackets.


There you have it, folks! See you next week, and remember: Don's playing a very funny, elaborate joke on you.

A Definitive Guide to Next Week on Mad Men: Episode 508

Welcome back to the future, everybody. I know that I had guaranteed 100% accuracy in my predictions for "At the Codfish Ball," but my teaser tea leaves failed me. Instead, we got an episode all about parents behaving badly, with the introduction of Megan's parents, Martha and George, Don allowing Sally to go on a date with an LSD-tripping Silver Fox, and Matthew Weiner having his real-life kid act out all of his real-life Portnoy-esque childhood neuroses as Glenn "Creepy Glenn" Bishop. I'm going to take a mulligan on last week and assume that this week's "Next On" will return to being a clear guide to the future of the rascals at SCDP. Onward!

00:05 - Megan thanks Don for having such luscious chest meat to sleep on and curls into him in an act of loving trust. Don expects her forehead to smell like lilacs. Confirmed: it's lilacs. Don likes lilacs. But what about Dick Whitman? Better drive to California for a quick smoke break to think about it.

00:08 - While at dinner with the CFO for Mohawk Airlines, Pete forgets whether or not he's the king. He sneaks off to call his mentor on such matters: a prostitute in a leopard bikini. She assures him that, yes, he's the king. As he hangs up the phone, his pen leaks all over his nice new shirt. This is all Roger's fault.


00:10 - Roger has acquired a box of kittens. Choose wisely, Cosgrove.


00:12 - Don asks Megan to check her wedding vows to him that he made up because he is a man who makes things to see if there's anything in there about her being required to parade around in his office wearing a silk teddy at 2:30 every day. There isn't. He forgot that part. Shit.


00:14 - Trudy tells Pete that she loves him. Not even he can believe that anyone could ever have the capacity of loving someone as awful as himself. 


00:15 - In a panic after punching Rizzo in the face, Joan throws herself at Don and kisses him in her office. Ever the classy lady, Don gets up and silently closes the door to spare her feelings.


00:17 - Ginsberg reveals to Peggy that, in addition to being born in a concentration camp, his adopted mother was abducted and turned into a human suit by Ed Gein. It doesn't seem like she's even listening.


00:19 - Lost in his own piercing eyes while looking into a mirror, Don realizes that he may be the last remaining human on Earth. Unable to turn his head, lest he be forced to break his gaze with himself, he has only himself to ask where his wife is. "Don, where's Megan?!" he asks. "Sneaking out the door because she's terrified of you sometimes," answers Dawn, his secretary. "Oh, Don and Dawn jokes will never run out of steam," says a chuckling Roger Sterling, who enters, takes his pants off and pours himself another glass of Don's scotch.


00:21 - Pete says the only true thing he has ever said in his life.


00:22 - The phone rings in Peggy's office. It's probably Abe, calling to ask for some money or to see if she can pick up some gefilte fish on the way home from work. Her mother was so, so right.


There you have it, folks! No need to watch next Sunday, because you heard it here first. 


NON-"NEXT ON"-PREDICTION: Harry Crane will want something, anything, to go his way. It won't.