A Definitive Guide to Next Week on Mad Men

We here at BrOzone Lair have a confession to make: Season 6 of Mad Men is really cooking. So far we've seen Pete Campbell get his turkey basted, Don and Megan playing "A History of Violence," and Stan Rizzo go on a date with the same girl who stood up Mac and Dennis in Season 5 of "It's Always Sunny." Unlike seasons past, things are actually happening, which implies that the big mid-season meltdown could be epic, with the most thrilling incorporation of a '60's historical event to date (Will Sally Draper lose her virginity on the day of Botswana's admittance into the U.N.? Will Harry Crane talk to a girl without stammering during the announcement of the NFL-AFL merger? Will Kevin Holloway drown in his mother's bosom while Toyota rolls out the first Corrolla???).

The only way to know these things for sure is to look into the not-at-all-vague, completely helpful "Next Week on Mad Men" teasers that AMC provides for us. Though it should be completely obvious from this clip, I've broken down for you exactly what will go down in next week's "At The Codfish Ball."

00:07 - Don refuses to let Megan leave their pad until she admits that he kind of looks like Sean Connery

00:10 - Don mumbles something unintelligible in bed while touching that spot on Megan's back that's still sensitive from the eczema outbreak that she told him about five times. You can't just touch her like that--She's not like Betty!

00:12 - Bobby Draper runs frantically into the living room upon realizing that he has shapeshifted into a different boy for the fourth time in five years. 

00:13 - Roger Sterling tells "Shoeless" Joe Jackson about the life-altering experience he had when he got accepted into the Stolichnaya Symphony Orchestra. His LSD has not worn off.

00:14 - Peggy learns that her Safari Movie Handjob Dream Date was actually her boyfriend Abe in disguise. He really does care about her!

00:16 - Sally immediately regrets saying something horribly insensitive to her father's new secretary.

00:18 - Megan reads from her notebook of rap poetry to Don, who disgustedly throws it in the trash. It is discovered by street tough and future hologram Tupac Shakur in 1988.

00:20 - Joan invites Lane into her office to give him a second chance to do what every one in the office has always wanted to do: make out with Joan while kicking Pete Campbell in the throat repeatedly.

There you have it, folks. If, by some strange twist, these things do not occur next week as Matthew Weiner has so clearly laid out above, then I will be back next week with corrections. And remember: Howard Johnson's has 28 more flavors in case you don't like orange; of course they have chocolate.